When is enough enough? I took my vows seriously, but...?

I've been married 15 years, and we have been pretty happy, but there have been some real issues in our relationship. There is a cultural difference, that gives him the impression he is somehow more important than I am. I have learned to overcome his ignorance by simply ignoring him. I cannot listen to some of his backward ideas, and have fought tooth and nail to try to keep his influence off our teenage daughter. Luckily, she has my sense of feminine power, and her fathers stubbornness. She doesn't take any notice of him either.





His adult (35+) sons have lived with us for the better part of 10 years. I have supported the lot, because my husband cannot keep a job. I found out my husband has some quirkey habits that he kept secret from me until just recently. Frankly, I wish they were still a secret, because I find them bizarre. He drinks. The list goes on and on. When do I walk away? I married for better or worse, but I feel like I am in a bad Felini film!

When is enough enough? I took my vows seriously, but...?
To say you would stay with him for better or for worse means that you do not have any boundaries for yourself, and that you too are living by the archaic caveman cultural differences that you say he lives by. I think you are the one that is creating your own unhappiness. If you do not have any boundaries for yourself, how do you expect him to respect and honor them?





Everyone has boundaries. Would you stay with him if he was abusing your children, or if he was a psychopath? Show your daughter what feminine power is all about by taking action for your life by writing your exit scene from the Felini film. (That doesn't mean that you have to leave him.) Decide where your breaking point is. Decide the consequences of a persons actions when they cross a boundary, and then reinforce it. It takes some practice, but you will get the hang of it, and you will get stronger, and your husband will take notice too. Work on those things, and set a date when you want to revisit addressing the status of your marriage. (Perhaps three months or six months) If you are not seeing change, then you have to decide the path you want to take from there. Taking control for the rest of your life is truly showing your daughter the tools she needs to have a better life.





By not defining your boundaries for your husband and his sons, you are not helping them. You are enabling them to live their lives without accountability, and responsibility. Only you have the power to decide when enough is enough through the boundaries and limits you set.





I hope this helps.
Reply:Well, sometimes you just have to call a spade a shovel and get out of Dodge.
Reply:Well have you really tried everything like marriage councelling,talking to him, telling how you feel. If so then it is time to leave and move on. If you are not happy and he is not willing to change is habits then I say find someone else.
Reply:when u walk way ? now . you don`t need him you support yourself and your dogther.
Reply:vows don't mean anything unless both parties adhere to them.





get out of the situation, take a step back, maybe just separate for the time being, but seriously take an objective look at things. would you want your daughter or your best gal pal to live the same life? if yes, then by all means remain married and work things out. if no, then start the paperwork and move on!
Reply:if your not happy, i dont think you should be with him. you said he drinks, and cant even keep a job right, and plus you dont think he's good influence to your daughter.


get away if your not happy, dont let him ruin your happiness. vows are serious but dont put them infront, im pretty sure he's not taking his serious so why should you?
Reply:what quirky habbits does he have?drinking sometimes shoudlnt be a problem only if he drinks way too much though... sounds like congrats is in order though for putting up with him for 15 years if he isnt being respectful to you
Reply:Feminine power...allows us to live alone and concor all.....no reason for you to take all the crap, danng 35 years old


he should have hes own home by now.








Time to drop the sucker
Reply:It's time! Believe me I know just how difficult it is for you to make the move - I have been supporting my husband and boys for the past seven years single handedly and he too is a drinker - the friends who I let know of my situation tell me I must be crazy to put up with so much stress in my life and I know they are right - it is just he is an awesome Dad to our boys and I put up with my situation as I don't want my boys screwed up. However, very hard for me at times (but not all the time!). But hey you can't be supporting three grown men and for so long - they are taking advantage of you. Your daughter is seeing all of this and will make the same choice in a husband if you don't step in and show her a better way. As I've said - it's time!
Reply:Do what is good for your daughter, then things will become clearer, trust me.
Reply:Only you know when enough is enough.


You married a man knowing there were cultural differences, but perhaps you did not realize the impact they would have on your life and the life of your daughter.......


You mention that he has backward ideas, cannot keep a job,


has his two adult sons living with you (do they not work either?),


quirky habits and he drinks.


That is quite a list of issues coming between the two of you....


have you, in the 15 years of your union, gone for any marital counseling, to try to negotiate some peace between you?





Taking our marital vows seriously is a positive thing, but there are times when you have to look at the marriage and


consider whether both husband and wife are holding up their end of that relationship---no relationship can work when only one person is willing to put their love, care, and energy into it.





Perhaps if he will not consider marital counseling, it is time for you to get counseling yourself to determine further what


the next step is for you. It always helps to have someone to talk to and help prepare for major life decisions......





Wishing you all the best,


Doris
Reply:If you re-read your post, I think you'd find you've already answered your own question. When a marriage gets to a point that you are considering its worth, that's a red flag. You two need to be on the same page. You need to talk this out, do counselling, whatever you need to do, DO IT. If you can't, won't, don't want to, whatever, then end it NOW. Either way this is the time to take action.


Oh, and by the way, throw that 35 year old baby out. It's time for him to grow up.
Reply:The vows go both ways, if he is not willing to do his part then you need to kiss him goodbye. its not going to get better if its been going on for 15 years. you dont want your daughter thinking that is how a relationship goes do you? i hope not.


i hope this helps.
Reply:to quote Kenny Rogers in "The Gambler":





You gotta know when to hold 'em


Know when to fold 'em


Know when to walk away


Know when to run....





I think you know what time it is.
Reply:Your not alone..even though I know you feel that way! Marriage can be very lonesome!
Reply:the worse part of the vow,


that means if he was in some sort of accident and was paralyzed physically


not some self induce drunken stupor that prevents him from keeping job


i say walk now


but own up to part of your mistakes knowing that when you married a foreigner you married his cultural upbringing, and if that means he comes from a male dominate society ( can you say Taliban anyone ? ), then you knew it going in


no sense crying sour grapes now


just divorce now and move on
Reply:Its enough when your vows become abuse you allow yourself to suffer. You have to put your foot down and stop being treated like a doormat. You have two choices - one is divorce or the second - work it out with your husband.
Reply:If you have to actually have justification for leaving and not just the fact you married a moron, your miserable, and you can do much better, then think in business terms. He misrepresented himself to you to enter into a marriage agreement. He kept secrets from you that would have a bearing on your decision to marry him. Had you known about these, your decision would have or might have been different. The is called a breech of contract and failure to provide full disclosure. He failed to "act in good faith" when he did not inform you of character traits that would have caused you to run for the hills rather than marrying him. This is marriage under false pretenses. (Similar to having a woman tell a man she is pregnant but really isn't) Get your husband and his kids out of your house and get your divorce. You shouldn't have to support his adult kids. Get your life back before it is too late to have fun! Maybe you and your daughter can double date one day. Good Luck.
Reply:First of all you did marry for better or worse and you have been married to this man for 15 years and you have had some pretty happy times but some bad times to.


your husband cant keep a job and you took care of his adult son, You have allowed this to happen to you and only you can stop it. he had some secret you just found out about and now your up set about it. It appears that you didn't know your husband to well before you said i do. This is your life do what is best for you the choice is not mines


best of luck
Reply:I know what you mean. I found out some things about my husband also that I cannot get over, like he throws garbage out of the car window. I cannot believe that. In our neighborhood.





It is like I never knew you were like that and makes you wonder f you knew him at all. I wonder all of the time is love enough?
Reply:vows are crap dont listen to them