I wrote my first rap song, what do you think??

I don't need an inspiration to have my words comin' out


everybody turns a blind eye to the facts that I'm talkin about


junkies run theirself in the ground just to get the next overdose


robbers break into the banks and get away with it just because


of government, I feel like the situation deteriorates day by day


it's no wonder that some people feel "under supervision " in USA


girls try to imitate their idol so they go crazy, get lazy,it's faddy


'cause those girls are totally screwed up like an inebriate after his fifth beer


the president's not spunky enough to face the music so he points one to jeer


our life is not the same anymore, we're hovered between life and death


live in shelters, keep having litanies, looking for a cover to be safe


and as time goes by I feel like our flag's gonna be soaked by our blood


fightin' tooth and nail for our county just to slice it later like it's a cob

I wrote my first rap song, what do you think??
you're trying to hard to make stuff rhyme. it's a decent start but i can tell you're trying to have a real lyrical style but using big words (like litanies) doesn't give you a lyrical style. try again.





edit- also i'm not sure if you were trying to do this but it seems you're trying to use the fact that you use big words to cover up for the fact that when it comes down to just the rhymes they're actually pretty weak. try rhyming the big words with multis or something instead of just throwing them in to cover up for the weak rhymes





i know i only said bad stuff about it but you know it's your first verse and it's not bad for a start. my first verse was way worse than that so keep going at it. you'll get it.
Reply:::uncontrollable laughter::
Reply:this is coolll =)





well done ladd hhaa
Reply:Hopefully it's your last song





Kill yourself!!!!
Reply:dude you might have some real talent, i mean its impossible to say without music but the lyrics are way better then the stuff out today
Reply:This is not bad it would be nice with a solid melody. maybe think about some jazz harmonica.
Reply:you are a good writter. keep up the good work. i like your first rap song.
Reply:Yeah i think it's ok.
Reply:Excuse the haters man,they become the fan saying that ya music is hot,i would no as a rapper. For a first,that's very good. You come off as a underground to me,at least someone still does real hip hop. Thanks 4 writing a lil bit of real,this industry needs you man,see u up there one day,good luck
Reply:ummm


good :D
Reply:sucks A$$
Reply:it's more of a poem than a rap, because it lacks rhymes, but it's ya first rap, so give it some time. then you'll form into a ill MC, causing lyrical injury, destroying all of the opposing enemies. i admire ya dedication, determination, to share bars wit the world without hesitation. so keep writing, perfect those raps, before you know it ya bars a be equivalent to a heart attack.
Reply:whackkk

Gold Teeth